you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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