this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
