My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Still dying that you shit outside
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
