This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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