I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
