Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
