I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
My hand turned me down
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up under a house in Key West
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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