I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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