do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
