is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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