They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
