i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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