When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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