Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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