we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
high people should be assigned attendants
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
