you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
