I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
