you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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