What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
FUCK WHALES
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
