if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
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