Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
