Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We have started to decorate penises.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
