he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
