im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
