so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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