The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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