I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
