You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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