So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
