My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
