All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
