I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
