I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
