I think I won the penis lottery.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I love you. Go after that dick
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
