he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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