I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
