I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
