You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
