I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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