I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
