the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
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