i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
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