Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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