we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
