I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
