apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
