No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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