New invention idea: vibrating tampons
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
