Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
so explain again why im purple
no
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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