Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
