I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
