I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
