Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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