you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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