So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
