I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
