Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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